Dear Mr. Trump,
We know it’s been a while since you visited California. Is it because we’re the reason you lost the popular vote?
Or the fact that the world looks to us as the leader on climate change?
Are you intimidated by our Governor who speaks Latin better than you speak, period?
Well, regardless of why you stayed away your first year in office, you’re coming here today.
And since it’s your first trip in a couple of years, we thought you might appreciate some tips on how to have a productive and successful visit. Following these simple, easy-to-understand rules will help you navigate your way around a state that proudly lives in the 21st Century:
Tip #1 – DON’T PRAISE NAZIS. Seriously. Nazis are not popular anywhere, but they’re incredibly unpopular in California. We know this has been an issue for you in the past, so to be absolutely clear: DO NOT PRAISE NAZIS, WHITE SUPREMACISTS OR MEMBERS OF THE KKK WHILE YOU ARE IN CALIFORNIA.
Tip #2 – Take a moment and enjoy our beautiful coastline. It’s breathtaking, and we’re very proud of it. In particular, please notice that we have (more than) enough oil rigs on our coast. WE DON’T NEED MORE OIL RIGS ON OUR COAST.
Tip #3 – Don’t try and divide people while you’re here. We’re incredibly diverse. We’re one of the most diverse and inclusive places in the world. We’re also a pretty chill group, but when you start attacking any of us, all of us react negatively. (Full disclosure: this isn’t so much a tip on visiting California as it is a tip on being a decent human being).
Tip #4 – Do Not Come For Maxine Waters Unless She Sends For You. We know you have some issues with your fiercest critic in Congress. Resist the temptation, bite your tongue, hand your list of racist dog whistles back to Jeff Sessions, and do not insult Maxine Waters. She’s a California Icon and you’re not in her league. And while we’re on the subject…
Tip #5 – Treat women like human beings. We know this has *also* been an issue for you over the years. California is the epicenter of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movement for a reason, and we are doing the hard work of building a society where women have equal rights, equal opportunity and equal treatment. You should take this chance to learn from us.
Tip #6 – Don’t brag about those jobs you “created” this year. First off, if someone gets the credit, it’s President Obama since you inherited his robust economy. Second, we don’t need to hear about all those jobs since most of them were created in California, and – GASP! – they aren’t in the coal industry. Green energy, sustainable manufacturing, biotechnology, telecommunications, software development… those are the jobs we’re creating (that you’re taking credit for). You’re welcome.
Tip # 7 – Talk about your pals in Congress! Jeff Denham, Devin Nunes, David Valadao, Kevin McCarthy, Mimi Walters, Steve Knight, Tom McClintock – they’re all your friends! They’ve all been loyal foot soldiers for you! Not a single one of them would ever dream of defying you, even if it hurt the people who elected them. Thank them loudly and publicly for their support! When a group of folks (particularly Members of Congress) abandon their morals, principles, honor and integrity to debase themselves for you, it’s just good manners to show them you appreciate it.
Tip #8 – Brush up on the First Amendment (and the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Federalist Papers, etc). Look, we know you don’t like protests. Heck, it seems like Saudi Arabia is your favorite country because they literally imprisoned anyone who dared to criticize you. But we’re very fond of the First Amendment, and we plan on using it vigorously while you’re here. We are deeply appalled by your ICE Round-Ups, your assault on women’s rights, your willful ignorance on climate change, your race baiting and LGBT bashing, your cowardly refusal to stand up to the NRA and your pathological inability to accept responsibility for anything. We love our First Amendment, and we’ll take every opportunity we can to voice our outrage at your policies.
Bonus Tip! – Don’t miss Alcatraz while you’re here. You could also visit Folsom Prison, where Johnny Cash recorded one of his most iconic songs. Bottom line: We have some famous jails in California, and with the way the Mueller investigation is going, this might be a good time for you to start acquainting yourself with what prisons are like on the inside. (Take plenty of notes for Kushner).
We hope you have a safe trip, Mr. Trump. And we certainly hope you see California is thriving, and proud to be leading the National Resistance against you.
–The CDP Team